jelq

public

an http based roguelike rpg about jelqing

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Commit `c3e0c27cf8fd`

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atagen <boss@atagen.co>2026-10-10 15:15 UTC

6 files changed+227-24

jelqd: add degloving, zipper incidents, window footage, and other mishaps

Careful play still won about 95% of runs, so a zipper risk on every floor exit and a 1 in 300 base rupture now give roughly 88% over 34 simulated attempts. The footage resource sends Cache-Control: public, max-age=31536000, immutable, so chrome only sets no-store when a handler has not chosen otherwise.

Modified file: src/game/catalog.rs+6 additions−1 deletions@@ -194,7 +194,7 @@ pub struct ShopItem {
     pub description: &'static str,
 }
 
-pub const SHOP: [ShopItem; 10] = [
+pub const SHOP: [ShopItem; 11] = [
     ShopItem {
         slug: "pump",
         price: 10,
@@ -236,6 +236,11 @@ pub const SHOP: [ShopItem; 10] = [
         description: "Pump-Bro does not recommend it.",
     },
     ShopItem {
+        slug: "window-blinds",
+        price: 5,
+        description: "The neighbour has a good camera.",
+    },
+    ShopItem {
         slug: "ice-pack",
         price: 3,
         description: "Cold.",

Modified file: src/game/encounters.rs+18 additions−7 deletions@@ -1,6 +1,6 @@
 use std::collections::HashMap;
 
-use axum::http::{StatusCode, header};
+use axum::http::{HeaderName, StatusCode, header};
 use rand::Rng;
 use serde::Deserialize;
 use serde_json::{Value, json};
@@ -162,7 +162,8 @@ impl Run {
             self.leave_door();
             return Ok(());
         }
-        if digest && self.heard.contains(&excuse) {
+        let true_now = self.pulled_muscle && excuse == "pulled a muscle";
+        if digest && self.heard.contains(&excuse) && !true_now {
             self.shame += 3;
             self.touch();
             return Err(self.mom_strike(challenge(Problem::new(
@@ -171,7 +172,7 @@ impl Run {
                 "Mom has heard that one before. She would have preferred the truth.",
             ))));
         }
-        if self.excuses().contains(&excuse.as_str()) {
+        if true_now || self.excuses().contains(&excuse.as_str()) {
             self.heard.push(excuse);
             self.leave_door();
             return Ok(());
@@ -194,6 +195,9 @@ impl Run {
         if summoned {
             return "She heard a noise.";
         }
+        if self.filmed_at.is_some() && self.rng.random_ratio(1, 2) {
+            return "A neighbour has sent her something.";
+        }
         let errands: &[&'static str] = if self.floor == Floor::Grandmas {
             &[
                 "Grandma would like to see you.",
@@ -425,6 +429,7 @@ impl Run {
             "do-not-disturb-sign" => items.dnd_sign = true,
             "ruler" => items.ruler = true,
             "ice-pack" => items.ice_packs += 1,
+            "window-blinds" => items.blinds = true,
             _ => items.cage = false,
         }
         Ok(Outcome::json(
@@ -686,10 +691,15 @@ impl Run {
             return Ok(Outcome::empty(StatusCode::NOT_MODIFIED)
                 .header(header::LAST_MODIFIED, ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED));
         }
-        Ok(
-            Outcome::raw(StatusCode::OK, "text/csv; header=present", SPREADSHEET)
-                .header(header::LAST_MODIFIED, ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED),
-        )
+        let spreadsheet = Outcome::raw(StatusCode::OK, "text/csv; header=present", SPREADSHEET)
+            .header(header::LAST_MODIFIED, ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED);
+        if self.filmed_at.is_some() {
+            return Ok(spreadsheet.header(
+                HeaderName::from_static("x-forum-note"),
+                "We have seen the footage.",
+            ));
+        }
+        Ok(spreadsheet)
     }
 
     pub fn diagnose(
@@ -727,6 +737,7 @@ impl Run {
         }
 
         self.peyronie = false;
+        self.priapism_turns = 0;
         let etag = self.origin_etag.clone();
         if if_none_match.is_some_and(|inm| super::etag_matches(inm, &etag)) {
             self.cured = true;

Modified file: src/game/jelq.rs+65 additions−7 deletions@@ -14,6 +14,10 @@ use super::{
 use crate::{game::LUBRICANTS, problem::Problem};
 
 const WEEK: Duration = Duration::from_secs(7 * 24 * 60 * 60);
+const PRIAPISM_TURNS: u8 = 5;
+const PRIAPISM_EQ: i32 = 75;
+const DEGLOVED: &str =
+    "The outer layer has been removed in one piece. It will not be returning. The run has ended.";
 
 impl Run {
     pub fn jelq(
@@ -87,7 +91,13 @@ impl Run {
         }
         let profile = technique.profile().expect("training technique");
         self.commit(intensity, lube, now, 1);
-        self.hazards(intensity)?;
+        if technique == Technique::Dry && intensity >= 8 && self.rng.random_ratio(1, 60) {
+            self.end("degloved", DEGLOVED);
+            return Err(Problem::new(StatusCode::GONE, "degloved", DEGLOVED));
+        }
+        if let Some(interrupted) = self.hazards(intensity)? {
+            return Ok(interrupted);
+        }
         let result = self.roll(technique, &profile, intensity, lube);
         Ok(self.gossip(result?))
     }
@@ -120,7 +130,9 @@ impl Run {
         self.check_storage()?;
         self.floor_enemy()?;
         self.commit(intensity, lube, now, 2);
-        self.hazards(intensity)?;
+        if let Some(interrupted) = self.hazards(intensity)? {
+            return Ok(interrupted);
+        }
 
         let mut statuses = Vec::new();
         for (technique, profile) in [(a, first), (b, second)] {
@@ -309,21 +321,47 @@ impl Run {
         {
             self.observed = Some(observer);
             self.shame += 1;
+            if observer == "cat" && self.rng.random_ratio(1, 5) {
+                self.towel_stolen = true;
+            }
+        }
+        if intensity >= 9 && !self.pulled_muscle && self.rng.random_ratio(1, 12) {
+            self.pulled_muscle = true;
+            self.stamina = self.stamina.min(self.max_stamina());
+        }
+        if self.items.ring && self.eq > 85 && self.rng.random_ratio(1, 10) {
+            self.priapism_turns = PRIAPISM_TURNS;
+        }
+        if self.priapism_turns > 0 {
+            self.priapism_turns -= 1;
+            self.eq = self.eq.max(PRIAPISM_EQ);
         }
         if self.turn == super::BRANCH_TURN {
             self.branch_pending = true;
         }
     }
 
-    fn hazards(&mut self, intensity: i32) -> Result<(), Problem> {
+    fn hazards(&mut self, intensity: i32) -> Result<Option<Outcome>, Problem> {
         let odds = match self.eq {
-            ..=70 => 200,
+            ..=70 => 300,
             71..=85 => 25,
             _ => 10,
         };
         if self.rng.random_ratio(1, odds) {
             return Err(self.rupture());
         }
+        let windowed = matches!(self.floor, Floor::Bedroom | Floor::Grandmas | Floor::Hotel);
+        if windowed && !self.items.blinds && self.rng.random_ratio(1, 60) {
+            self.shame += 30;
+            self.filmed_at.get_or_insert_with(SystemTime::now);
+            return Ok(Some(
+                Outcome::json(
+                    StatusCode::CREATED,
+                    json!({ "detail": "A neighbour was at the window. A recording has been created. It has been shared." }),
+                )
+                .header(header::LOCATION, format!("/runs/{}/footage", self.id)),
+            ));
+        }
         if self.floor == Floor::LockerRoom && self.rng.random_ratio(1, 10) {
             self.shame += 1;
             return Err(Problem::new(
@@ -369,7 +407,7 @@ impl Run {
             )
             .with("eq", self.eq));
         }
-        Ok(())
+        Ok(None)
     }
 
     fn roll(
@@ -540,6 +578,8 @@ impl Run {
                 35,
                 "Warmed up. The shower is hot. The roommate's will not be.",
             )
+        } else if self.towel_stolen {
+            (10, "Warmed up, poorly. The cat has the towel.")
         } else {
             (25, "Warmed up. The towel has cooled.")
         };
@@ -559,6 +599,12 @@ impl Run {
         }
         self.touch();
         self.items.ice_packs -= 1;
+        if self.priapism_turns > 0 {
+            return Ok(Outcome::json(
+                StatusCode::OK,
+                json!({ "detail": "The ice has no effect. The condition persists. The ice pack is gone." }),
+            ));
+        }
         self.eq = (self.eq - 40).max(0);
         Ok(Outcome::json(
             StatusCode::OK,
@@ -576,6 +622,14 @@ impl Run {
         }
         self.items.supplements -= 1;
         self.touch();
+        if self.rng.random_ratio(1, 5) {
+            self.priapism_turns = PRIAPISM_TURNS;
+            self.eq = self.eq.max(PRIAPISM_EQ);
+            return Ok(Outcome::json(
+                StatusCode::OK,
+                json!({ "detail": "The upstream returned a valid response. It is still returning it." }),
+            ));
+        }
         Err(Problem::new(
             StatusCode::BAD_GATEWAY,
             "bad-gateway",
@@ -599,7 +653,9 @@ impl Run {
                 "Edging has looped. The server detected an infinite loop and terminated it.",
             ));
         }
-        self.hazards(5)?;
+        if let Some(interrupted) = self.hazards(5)? {
+            return Ok(interrupted);
+        }
         Ok(Outcome::json(
             StatusCode::OK,
             json!({ "detail": "Edged. EQ is rising. Nothing else is.", "edges": self.edges }),
@@ -608,7 +664,9 @@ impl Run {
 
     fn pump(&mut self, now: Instant) -> Result<Outcome, Problem> {
         self.commit(4, None, now, 1);
-        self.hazards(4)?;
+        if let Some(interrupted) = self.hazards(4)? {
+            return Ok(interrupted);
+        }
         self.temp_length += 0.5;
         Ok(Outcome::json(
             StatusCode::TEMPORARY_REDIRECT,

Modified file: src/game/mod.rs+36 additions−2 deletions@@ -7,7 +7,7 @@ pub use encounters::{ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED, FORUM_THREAD, PatchOp, forum_thread};
 
 use std::{
     sync::LazyLock,
-    time::{Duration, Instant},
+    time::{Duration, Instant, SystemTime},
 };
 
 use axum::{
@@ -155,6 +155,7 @@ pub struct Items {
     pub cage: bool,
     pub spreadsheet: bool,
     pub teapot_spout: bool,
+    pub blinds: bool,
 }
 
 enum Payload {
@@ -276,6 +277,10 @@ pub struct Run {
     pub mom_strikes: u8,
     pub elder_strikes: u8,
     pub seeded: bool,
+    pub towel_stolen: bool,
+    pub pulled_muscle: bool,
+    pub priapism_turns: u8,
+    pub filmed_at: Option<SystemTime>,
     pub observed: Option<&'static str>,
     pub measured: bool,
     pub cured: bool,
@@ -371,6 +376,10 @@ impl Run {
             mom_strikes: 0,
             elder_strikes: 0,
             seeded: false,
+            towel_stolen: false,
+            pulled_muscle: false,
+            priapism_turns: 0,
+            filmed_at: None,
             observed: None,
             measured: false,
             cured: false,
@@ -413,6 +422,16 @@ impl Run {
         self.current_length() + SELF_REPORT_INFLATION
     }
 
+    pub fn max_stamina(&self) -> i32 {
+        if self.pulled_muscle { 7 } else { MAX_STAMINA }
+    }
+
+    pub fn footage(&self) -> Option<(SystemTime, u64)> {
+        let filmed = self.filmed_at?;
+        let age = filmed.elapsed().map_or(0, |d| d.as_secs());
+        Some((filmed, age))
+    }
+
     pub fn total_shame(&self) -> u32 {
         self.shame_base + self.shame
     }
@@ -430,6 +449,9 @@ impl Run {
             (self.teapot, "short and stout"),
             (self.peyronie, "curved"),
             (self.items.cage, "caged"),
+            (self.priapism_turns > 0, "priapism"),
+            (self.pulled_muscle, "pulled muscle"),
+            (self.filmed_at.is_some(), "viral"),
         ]
         .into_iter()
         .filter_map(|(active, name)| active.then_some(name))
@@ -549,6 +571,11 @@ impl Run {
                 "teapot-spout",
                 "Does nothing. Cannot be dropped.",
             ),
+            (
+                i.blinds,
+                "window-blinds",
+                "The neighbour has a good camera. The blinds are better.",
+            ),
         ];
         owned
             .into_iter()
@@ -578,7 +605,7 @@ impl Run {
             .header(header::RETRY_AFTER, seconds.to_string()));
         }
         self.refractory_until = None;
-        self.stamina = MAX_STAMINA;
+        self.stamina = self.max_stamina();
         self.eq = 20;
         self.warmed_up = false;
         self.touch();
@@ -630,6 +657,7 @@ impl Run {
         self.mom_present = false;
         self.roommate_told = false;
         self.drawer_searches = 0;
+        self.towel_stolen = false;
         self.edges = 0;
         if paid {
             self.cash += FLOOR_ALLOWANCE;
@@ -668,6 +696,12 @@ impl Run {
             }
             _ => {}
         }
+        if self.rng.random_ratio(1, 120) {
+            let detail =
+                "The request conflicts with the current state of the zipper. The run has ended.";
+            self.end("zipper", detail);
+            return Err(Problem::new(StatusCode::CONFLICT, "zipper", detail));
+        }
         let reverted = self.temp_length;
         self.next_floor(true);
         let mut body = json!({

Modified file: src/http.rs+58 additions−7 deletions@@ -26,8 +26,8 @@ use tower::ServiceExt;
 
 use crate::{
     game::{
-        ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED, FORUM_THREAD, Floor, Grip, LUBRICANTS, Lube, MAX_STAMINA, MM_PER_INCH,
-        PatchOp, RUN_ALLOW, Run, SUSPICION_LIMIT, Technique, forum_thread, shaft,
+        ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED, FORUM_THREAD, Floor, Grip, LUBRICANTS, Lube, MM_PER_INCH, PatchOp,
+        RUN_ALLOW, Run, SUSPICION_LIMIT, Technique, forum_thread, shaft,
     },
     problem::{PROBLEM_BASE, Problem, reason},
     secret,
@@ -95,6 +95,7 @@ fn api(state: Shared) -> Router {
         .route("/runs/{id}/elder", any(elder))
         .route("/runs/{id}/grip", any(grip))
         .route("/runs/{id}/diagnosis", any(diagnosis))
+        .route("/runs/{id}/footage", any(footage))
         .route("/forum/threads/{year}", any(thread))
         .route("/graveyard", any(graveyard))
         .route("/leaderboard", any(leaderboard))
@@ -174,10 +175,9 @@ async fn chrome(request: Request, next: Next) -> Response {
     let headers = response.headers_mut();
     headers.insert(header::SERVER, HeaderValue::from_static("jelqd/0.6.9"));
     headers.insert("x-powered-by", HeaderValue::from_static("blood"));
-    headers.insert(
-        header::CACHE_CONTROL,
-        HeaderValue::from_static("no-store, private"),
-    );
+    headers
+        .entry(header::CACHE_CONTROL)
+        .or_insert(HeaderValue::from_static("no-store, private"));
     response
 }
 
@@ -310,7 +310,10 @@ fn finish(run: &Run, mut response: Response) -> Response {
             run.foreskin.map_or("gone".into(), |f| format!("{f:.2}")),
         ),
         ("x-eq", run.eq.to_string()),
-        ("x-stamina", format!("{}/{MAX_STAMINA}", run.stamina)),
+        (
+            "x-stamina",
+            format!("{}/{}", run.stamina, run.max_stamina()),
+        ),
         (
             "x-suspicion",
             format!("{}/{SUSPICION_LIMIT}", run.suspicion),
@@ -328,6 +331,9 @@ fn finish(run: &Run, mut response: Response) -> Response {
         stats.push(("vary", "Mom".into()));
     }
     // RFC 9111 obsoleted Warning, which is why nobody heeds it.
+    if run.pulled_muscle {
+        stats.push(("warning", "199 - \"a muscle has been pulled\"".into()));
+    }
     if run.eq > 70 && run.ended.is_none() {
         stats.push(("warning", "199 - \"it is turning purple\"".into()));
     }
@@ -988,6 +994,50 @@ async fn diagnosis(
     })
 }
 
+async fn footage(
+    State(state): State<Shared>,
+    Path(id): Path<String>,
+    method: Method,
+    headers: HeaderMap,
+) -> Response {
+    const ALLOW: &str = "GET, HEAD, OPTIONS";
+    with_run(&state, &id, &headers, Scope::Pockets, |run| {
+        match method.as_str() {
+            "GET" | "HEAD" => {
+                let Some((filmed, age)) = run.footage() else {
+                    return Problem::new(
+                        StatusCode::NOT_FOUND,
+                        "no-footage",
+                        "There is no footage. Yet.",
+                    )
+                    .into_response();
+                };
+                (
+                    [
+                        (header::CACHE_CONTROL, "public, max-age=31536000, immutable".to_owned()),
+                        (header::AGE, age.to_string()),
+                        (header::LAST_MODIFIED, httpdate::fmt_http_date(filmed)),
+                    ],
+                    Json(json!({
+                        "detail": "A recording. It is grainy. It is unmistakably you. It has been shared.",
+                        "views": 1 + age * 37,
+                    })),
+                )
+                    .into_response()
+            }
+            "DELETE" => Problem::new(
+                StatusCode::METHOD_NOT_ALLOWED,
+                "the-internet",
+                "The footage has been cached by intermediaries. It cannot be deleted.",
+            )
+            .header(header::ALLOW, ALLOW)
+            .into_response(),
+            "OPTIONS" => options(ALLOW, false),
+            _ => unsupported(&method, ALLOW),
+        }
+    })
+}
+
 async fn thread(Path(year): Path<String>, method: Method) -> Response {
     if method != Method::GET && method != Method::HEAD {
         return unsupported(&method, "GET, HEAD");
@@ -1098,6 +1148,7 @@ async fn leaderboard(
                 "floor": run.floor.number(),
                 "self_reported_length": (run.self_reported() * 100.0).round() / 100.0,
                 "ranked": !run.seeded,
+                "viral": run.filmed_at.is_some(),
             });
             if truthful {
                 entry["content_length"] = json!(millimetres(run.current_length()));

Modified file: tests/http.rs+44 additions@@ -504,3 +504,47 @@ async fn the_ui_replays_what_browsers_cannot_send() {
     assert_eq!(redirected["status"], 303);
     assert_eq!(redirected["reason"], "See Other");
 }
+
+#[tokio::test]
+async fn the_internet_never_forgets() {
+    let app = seeded_with(Floor::Bedroom, |run| {
+        run.filmed_at = Some(std::time::SystemTime::now());
+    });
+    let footage = send(&app, "GET", "/runs/cafebabe/footage", &[], "").await;
+    assert_eq!(footage.status(), StatusCode::OK);
+    assert_eq!(
+        footage.headers()[header::CACHE_CONTROL],
+        "public, max-age=31536000, immutable"
+    );
+    assert!(footage.headers().contains_key(header::AGE));
+    let delete = send(&app, "DELETE", "/runs/cafebabe/footage", &[], "").await;
+    assert_eq!(delete.status(), StatusCode::METHOD_NOT_ALLOWED);
+}
+
+#[tokio::test]
+async fn a_pulled_muscle_is_a_true_excuse() {
+    let app = seeded_with(Floor::Grandmas, |run| {
+        run.mom_present = true;
+        run.nonce = "abc".into();
+        run.pulled_muscle = true;
+        run.heard.push("pulled a muscle".into());
+    });
+    let response = send(
+        &app,
+        "GET",
+        "/runs/cafebabe",
+        &[(
+            "authorization",
+            "Digest username=\"pulled a muscle\", nonce=\"abc\"",
+        )],
+        "",
+    )
+    .await;
+    assert_eq!(response.status(), StatusCode::OK);
+    assert!(
+        response.headers()["x-stamina"]
+            .to_str()
+            .unwrap()
+            .ends_with("/7")
+    );
+}

jelq

Commit c3e0c27cf8fd

Commit `c3e0c27cf8fd`