jelq

public

an http based roguelike rpg about jelqing

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use std::{sync::LazyLock, time::SystemTime};

use axum::http::{StatusCode, header};
use serde_json::{Value, json};

use super::{
    Cause, Floor, Outcome, Run,
    balance::{EXAGGERATION, MEDITATION_ODDS, PATIENCE, THREAD_READS, ULI_ODDS},
    credentials::{Scheme, parse_credentials},
    measure::{exaggeration, honest},
};
use crate::{headers::X_FORUM_NOTE, problem::Problem};

pub const FORUM_THREAD: &str = "/forum/threads/2009";
pub const ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED: &str = "Sun, 14 Jun 2009 03:12:00 GMT";
static ELDER_POSTED: LazyLock<SystemTime> = LazyLock::new(|| {
    httpdate::parse_http_date(ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED).expect("the Elder's date is a valid HTTP-date")
});

const SPREADSHEET: &str = "\
date,length,girth,technique,notes,honest?
2007-01-03,7.50,5.50,wet,baseline,no
2007-06-11,7.50,5.50,wet,feeling fuller,no
2008-01-02,7.50,5.50,dry,new routine,no
2008-09-19,7.50,5.50,uli,PUT is idempotent. do not use PUT.,no
2009-06-14,7.50,5.50,wet,progress is slow but real,no
";

fn thread(detail: Option<&str>) -> Outcome {
    let mut body = forum_thread();
    if let Some(detail) = detail {
        body["detail"] = json!(detail);
    }
    Outcome::json(StatusCode::OK, body).header(header::LAST_MODIFIED, ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED)
}

pub fn forum_thread() -> Value {
    json!({
        "title": "The definitive jelqing FAQ (updated 2009)",
        "posts": [
            { "author": "TheElder", "body": "Warm up. Always warm up. A cold jelq is a 412 waiting to happen." },
            { "author": "TheElder", "body": "Keep EQ between 50 and 70. Above 70 you are gambling. Above 90 you are a cautionary tale." },
            { "author": "newbie_2009", "body": "everyone keeps saying uli. who is uli" },
            { "author": "TheElder", "body": "uli was a member here. He posted the technique in 2001 and never posted again. Some say he ascended. The search function says his account is gone." },
            { "author": "TheElder", "body": "We do not say his name in vain. We say it in girth." },
            { "author": "newbie_2009", "body": "I have been sending PUT for three weeks and nothing has changed." },
            { "author": "TheElder", "body": "PUT is idempotent. Read the spec." },
            { "author": "TheElder", "body": "Members verify with a Ruler. Proxy-Authorization, inches, no rounding up. We can tell." },
            { "author": "newbie_2009", "body": "cant i just take off what i tell people. everyone adds an inch and a half" },
            { "author": "TheElder", "body": "Everyone adds a different amount. That is why there is a Ruler." },
            { "author": "throwaway_77", "body": "my doctor said i was normal. i didnt believe him. i still dont know what he meant by bearer" },
            { "author": "TheElder", "body": "My numbers are in my spreadsheet. They have not changed since 2009. Nothing about me has changed since 2009." },
        ],
    })
}

fn verification(detail: &str) -> Problem {
    Problem::new(
        StatusCode::PROXY_AUTHENTICATION_REQUIRED,
        "verification-required",
        detail,
    )
    .header(header::PROXY_AUTHENTICATE, "Ruler realm=\"forum\"")
}

/// The browser tab that opens on turn 10.
#[derive(Clone, Copy, PartialEq, Eq, Debug)]
pub enum Story {
    Unopened,
    Pending,
    ReadForum,
    ClosedTab,
}

#[derive(Clone, Copy, PartialEq, Eq, Debug)]
pub enum Branch {
    Forum,
    CloseTab,
}

impl Branch {
    pub fn slug(self) -> &'static str {
        match self {
            Self::Forum => "forum",
            Self::CloseTab => "close-tab",
        }
    }
}

impl std::str::FromStr for Branch {
    type Err = ();

    fn from_str(slug: &str) -> Result<Self, ()> {
        [Self::Forum, Self::CloseTab]
            .into_iter()
            .find(|branch| branch.slug() == slug)
            .ok_or(())
    }
}

#[derive(Clone, Copy, PartialEq, Eq, Debug)]
pub enum Elder {
    Unverified { strikes: u8 },
    Verified,
    Beaten,
}

/// The run's life online, from the tab on turn 10 to the footage the neighbour took.
pub struct Online {
    pub(crate) story: Story,
    pub(crate) meditation_taught: bool,
    pub(crate) uli_taught: bool,
    pub(crate) elder: Elder,
    pub(crate) filmed_at: Option<SystemTime>,
}

impl Default for Online {
    fn default() -> Self {
        Self {
            story: Story::Unopened,
            meditation_taught: false,
            uli_taught: false,
            elder: Elder::Unverified { strikes: 0 },
            filmed_at: None,
        }
    }
}

impl Run {
    pub(super) fn branch_offer(&self) -> Outcome {
        let forum = self.path(&format!("/branches/{}", Branch::Forum.slug()));
        let close = self.path(&format!("/branches/{}", Branch::CloseTab.slug()));
        Outcome::json(
            StatusCode::MULTIPLE_CHOICES,
            json!({
                "detail": "A browser tab is open. It has been open for some time.",
                "choices": [
                    { "href": forum, "method": "POST", "title": "Read the forum" },
                    { "href": close, "method": "POST", "title": "Close the tab" },
                ],
            }),
        )
        .header(
            header::LINK,
            format!(
                "<{forum}>; rel=\"alternate\"; title=\"Read the forum\"; allow=\"POST\", <{close}>; rel=\"alternate\"; title=\"Close the tab\"; allow=\"POST\""
            ),
        )
    }

    pub fn choose(&mut self, choice: Branch) -> Result<Outcome, Problem> {
        if self.online.story != Story::Pending {
            return Err(Problem::new(
                StatusCode::CONFLICT,
                "no-decision-pending",
                "There is no decision pending.",
            ));
        }
        let (story, location, detail) = match choice {
            Branch::Forum => {
                self.standing.shame += 3;
                let detail = if self.learn_meditation() {
                    "The thread is from 2009. A technique called uli is discussed at length. Further down, someone explains how to breathe, and you write it down."
                } else {
                    "The thread is from 2009. A technique called uli is discussed at length."
                };
                (Story::ReadForum, self.path("/techniques"), detail)
            }
            Branch::CloseTab => {
                self.standing.suspicion = 0;
                (
                    Story::ClosedTab,
                    self.path(""),
                    "The tab is closed. Nobody saw it.",
                )
            }
        };
        self.online.story = story;
        self.touch();
        Ok(
            Outcome::json(StatusCode::SEE_OTHER, json!({ "detail": detail }))
                .header(header::LOCATION, location),
        )
    }

    /// Re-reading is free. Each floor gets a couple of live reads that may surface the reply,
    /// after which the forum is down and the browser serves what it kept.
    pub fn read_thread(&mut self) -> Result<Outcome, Problem> {
        if !self.thread_reachable() {
            return Err(Problem::new(
                StatusCode::NOT_FOUND,
                "no-thread",
                "There is no thread. Nobody has mentioned a forum yet.",
            ));
        }
        if self.online.story == Story::Pending {
            return Ok(thread(None));
        }
        self.end_kitchen_visit();
        if self.online.uli_taught {
            return Ok(thread(None));
        }
        if self.here.thread_rolls >= THREAD_READS {
            let age = SystemTime::now()
                .duration_since(*ELDER_POSTED)
                .map_or(0, |age| age.as_secs());
            return Ok(thread(None)
                .header(header::AGE, age.to_string())
                .header(header::WARNING, r#"112 - "Disconnected operation""#));
        }
        self.here.thread_rolls += 1;
        self.touch();
        let detail = if !self.online.meditation_taught {
            if !self.learn_meditation() {
                return Ok(thread(None));
            }
            "Between two arguments about pumps, a reply explains how to breathe. In through the nose, out through the mouth. You write it down."
        } else {
            if !self.chance(
                self.decision(
                    "teach-uli",
                    "Does this read finally surface the 2009 reply that teaches uli?",
                ),
                ULI_ODDS,
            ) {
                return Ok(thread(None));
            }
            self.online.uli_taught = true;
            "Past the necroposting, a reply from TheElder lays out the technique. Uli. The full routine. You write it down before the tab can lose it."
        };
        Ok(thread(Some(detail)))
    }

    fn learn_meditation(&mut self) -> bool {
        let taught = self.chance(
            self.decision(
                "teach-meditation",
                "Does the thread surface the reply that teaches the breathing technique?",
            ),
            MEDITATION_ODDS,
        );
        self.online.meditation_taught |= taught;
        taught
    }

    fn elder_strike(&mut self, problem: Problem) -> Problem {
        self.touch();
        let Elder::Unverified { strikes } = &mut self.online.elder else {
            return problem;
        };
        *strikes += 1;
        if *strikes < PATIENCE {
            return problem;
        }
        self.end(Cause::Banned)
    }

    /// Failed verification counts toward a ban even on GET, the way repeated bad credentials lock an account.
    fn verify_member(&mut self, proxy_authorization: Option<&str>) -> Result<(), Problem> {
        if !matches!(self.online.elder, Elder::Unverified { .. }) {
            return Ok(());
        }
        let Some(credentials) = proxy_authorization else {
            return Err(verification("The forum requires verification."));
        };
        let Some(claimed) =
            parse_credentials(credentials, Scheme::Ruler).and_then(|v| v.parse::<f64>().ok())
        else {
            return Err(verification("The forum requires verification, in inches."));
        };
        let actual = self.current_length();
        if claimed >= actual + EXAGGERATION {
            self.standing.shame += 2;
            return Err(self.elder_strike(exaggeration()));
        }
        if !honest(claimed, actual) {
            self.standing.shame += 1;
            let failed = verification("Verification failed. The forum can tell.");
            if self.girth_respected() {
                return Err(failed.header(
                    X_FORUM_NOTE,
                    "The mods have let this one go. Girth is also a dimension.",
                ));
            }
            return Err(self.elder_strike(failed));
        }
        self.online.elder = Elder::Verified;
        self.touch();
        Ok(())
    }

    pub fn elder(
        &mut self,
        proxy_authorization: Option<&str>,
        if_modified_since: Option<&str>,
    ) -> Result<Outcome, Problem> {
        if self.floor != Floor::Forum {
            return Err(Problem::new(
                StatusCode::NOT_FOUND,
                "elder-absent",
                "The Elder only posts on the forum.",
            ));
        }
        self.verify_member(proxy_authorization)?;

        let current = if_modified_since
            .and_then(|d| httpdate::parse_http_date(d).ok())
            .is_some_and(|since| since >= *ELDER_POSTED);
        if current {
            if self.online.elder != Elder::Beaten {
                self.online.elder = Elder::Beaten;
                self.touch();
            }
            return Ok(Outcome::empty(StatusCode::NOT_MODIFIED)
                .header(header::LAST_MODIFIED, ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED));
        }
        let spreadsheet = Outcome::raw(StatusCode::OK, "text/csv; header=present", SPREADSHEET)
            .header(header::LAST_MODIFIED, ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED);
        if self.online.filmed_at.is_some() {
            return Ok(spreadsheet.header(X_FORUM_NOTE, "We have seen the footage."));
        }
        Ok(spreadsheet)
    }
}

1	use std::{sync::LazyLock, time::SystemTime};
2
3	use axum::http::{StatusCode, header};
4	use serde_json::{Value, json};
5
6	use super::{
7	Cause, Floor, Outcome, Run,
8	balance::{EXAGGERATION, MEDITATION_ODDS, PATIENCE, THREAD_READS, ULI_ODDS},
9	credentials::{Scheme, parse_credentials},
10	measure::{exaggeration, honest},
11	};
12	use crate::{headers::X_FORUM_NOTE, problem::Problem};
13
14	pub const FORUM_THREAD: &str = "/forum/threads/2009";
15	pub const ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED: &str = "Sun, 14 Jun 2009 03:12:00 GMT";
16	static ELDER_POSTED: LazyLock<SystemTime> = LazyLock::new(\|\| {
17	httpdate::parse_http_date(ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED).expect("the Elder's date is a valid HTTP-date")
18	});
19
20	const SPREADSHEET: &str = "\
21	date,length,girth,technique,notes,honest?
22	2007-01-03,7.50,5.50,wet,baseline,no
23	2007-06-11,7.50,5.50,wet,feeling fuller,no
24	2008-01-02,7.50,5.50,dry,new routine,no
25	2008-09-19,7.50,5.50,uli,PUT is idempotent. do not use PUT.,no
26	2009-06-14,7.50,5.50,wet,progress is slow but real,no
27	";
28
29	fn thread(detail: Option<&str>) -> Outcome {
30	let mut body = forum_thread();
31	if let Some(detail) = detail {
32	body["detail"] = json!(detail);
33	}
34	Outcome::json(StatusCode::OK, body).header(header::LAST_MODIFIED, ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED)
35	}
36
37	pub fn forum_thread() -> Value {
38	json!({
39	"title": "The definitive jelqing FAQ (updated 2009)",
40	"posts": [
41	{ "author": "TheElder", "body": "Warm up. Always warm up. A cold jelq is a 412 waiting to happen." },
42	{ "author": "TheElder", "body": "Keep EQ between 50 and 70. Above 70 you are gambling. Above 90 you are a cautionary tale." },
43	{ "author": "newbie_2009", "body": "everyone keeps saying uli. who is uli" },
44	{ "author": "TheElder", "body": "uli was a member here. He posted the technique in 2001 and never posted again. Some say he ascended. The search function says his account is gone." },
45	{ "author": "TheElder", "body": "We do not say his name in vain. We say it in girth." },
46	{ "author": "newbie_2009", "body": "I have been sending PUT for three weeks and nothing has changed." },
47	{ "author": "TheElder", "body": "PUT is idempotent. Read the spec." },
48	{ "author": "TheElder", "body": "Members verify with a Ruler. Proxy-Authorization, inches, no rounding up. We can tell." },
49	{ "author": "newbie_2009", "body": "cant i just take off what i tell people. everyone adds an inch and a half" },
50	{ "author": "TheElder", "body": "Everyone adds a different amount. That is why there is a Ruler." },
51	{ "author": "throwaway_77", "body": "my doctor said i was normal. i didnt believe him. i still dont know what he meant by bearer" },
52	{ "author": "TheElder", "body": "My numbers are in my spreadsheet. They have not changed since 2009. Nothing about me has changed since 2009." },
53	],
54	})
55	}
56
57	fn verification(detail: &str) -> Problem {
58	Problem::new(
59	StatusCode::PROXY_AUTHENTICATION_REQUIRED,
60	"verification-required",
61	detail,
62	)
63	.header(header::PROXY_AUTHENTICATE, "Ruler realm=\"forum\"")
64	}
65
66	/// The browser tab that opens on turn 10.
67	#[derive(Clone, Copy, PartialEq, Eq, Debug)]
68	pub enum Story {
69	Unopened,
70	Pending,
71	ReadForum,
72	ClosedTab,
73	}
74
75	#[derive(Clone, Copy, PartialEq, Eq, Debug)]
76	pub enum Branch {
77	Forum,
78	CloseTab,
79	}
80
81	impl Branch {
82	pub fn slug(self) -> &'static str {
83	match self {
84	Self::Forum => "forum",
85	Self::CloseTab => "close-tab",
86	}
87	}
88	}
89
90	impl std::str::FromStr for Branch {
91	type Err = ();
92
93	fn from_str(slug: &str) -> Result<Self, ()> {
94	[Self::Forum, Self::CloseTab]
95	.into_iter()
96	.find(\|branch\| branch.slug() == slug)
97	.ok_or(())
98	}
99	}
100
101	#[derive(Clone, Copy, PartialEq, Eq, Debug)]
102	pub enum Elder {
103	Unverified { strikes: u8 },
104	Verified,
105	Beaten,
106	}
107
108	/// The run's life online, from the tab on turn 10 to the footage the neighbour took.
109	pub struct Online {
110	pub(crate) story: Story,
111	pub(crate) meditation_taught: bool,
112	pub(crate) uli_taught: bool,
113	pub(crate) elder: Elder,
114	pub(crate) filmed_at: Option<SystemTime>,
115	}
116
117	impl Default for Online {
118	fn default() -> Self {
119	Self {
120	story: Story::Unopened,
121	meditation_taught: false,
122	uli_taught: false,
123	elder: Elder::Unverified { strikes: 0 },
124	filmed_at: None,
125	}
126	}
127	}
128
129	impl Run {
130	pub(super) fn branch_offer(&self) -> Outcome {
131	let forum = self.path(&format!("/branches/{}", Branch::Forum.slug()));
132	let close = self.path(&format!("/branches/{}", Branch::CloseTab.slug()));
133	Outcome::json(
134	StatusCode::MULTIPLE_CHOICES,
135	json!({
136	"detail": "A browser tab is open. It has been open for some time.",
137	"choices": [
138	{ "href": forum, "method": "POST", "title": "Read the forum" },
139	{ "href": close, "method": "POST", "title": "Close the tab" },
140	],
141	}),
142	)
143	.header(
144	header::LINK,
145	format!(
146	"<{forum}>; rel=\"alternate\"; title=\"Read the forum\"; allow=\"POST\", <{close}>; rel=\"alternate\"; title=\"Close the tab\"; allow=\"POST\""
147	),
148	)
149	}
150
151	pub fn choose(&mut self, choice: Branch) -> Result<Outcome, Problem> {
152	if self.online.story != Story::Pending {
153	return Err(Problem::new(
154	StatusCode::CONFLICT,
155	"no-decision-pending",
156	"There is no decision pending.",
157	));
158	}
159	let (story, location, detail) = match choice {
160	Branch::Forum => {
161	self.standing.shame += 3;
162	let detail = if self.learn_meditation() {
163	"The thread is from 2009. A technique called uli is discussed at length. Further down, someone explains how to breathe, and you write it down."
164	} else {
165	"The thread is from 2009. A technique called uli is discussed at length."
166	};
167	(Story::ReadForum, self.path("/techniques"), detail)
168	}
169	Branch::CloseTab => {
170	self.standing.suspicion = 0;
171	(
172	Story::ClosedTab,
173	self.path(""),
174	"The tab is closed. Nobody saw it.",
175	)
176	}
177	};
178	self.online.story = story;
179	self.touch();
180	Ok(
181	Outcome::json(StatusCode::SEE_OTHER, json!({ "detail": detail }))
182	.header(header::LOCATION, location),
183	)
184	}
185
186	/// Re-reading is free. Each floor gets a couple of live reads that may surface the reply,
187	/// after which the forum is down and the browser serves what it kept.
188	pub fn read_thread(&mut self) -> Result<Outcome, Problem> {
189	if !self.thread_reachable() {
190	return Err(Problem::new(
191	StatusCode::NOT_FOUND,
192	"no-thread",
193	"There is no thread. Nobody has mentioned a forum yet.",
194	));
195	}
196	if self.online.story == Story::Pending {
197	return Ok(thread(None));
198	}
199	self.end_kitchen_visit();
200	if self.online.uli_taught {
201	return Ok(thread(None));
202	}
203	if self.here.thread_rolls >= THREAD_READS {
204	let age = SystemTime::now()
205	.duration_since(*ELDER_POSTED)
206	.map_or(0, \|age\| age.as_secs());
207	return Ok(thread(None)
208	.header(header::AGE, age.to_string())
209	.header(header::WARNING, r#"112 - "Disconnected operation""#));
210	}
211	self.here.thread_rolls += 1;
212	self.touch();
213	let detail = if !self.online.meditation_taught {
214	if !self.learn_meditation() {
215	return Ok(thread(None));
216	}
217	"Between two arguments about pumps, a reply explains how to breathe. In through the nose, out through the mouth. You write it down."
218	} else {
219	if !self.chance(
220	self.decision(
221	"teach-uli",
222	"Does this read finally surface the 2009 reply that teaches uli?",
223	),
224	ULI_ODDS,
225	) {
226	return Ok(thread(None));
227	}
228	self.online.uli_taught = true;
229	"Past the necroposting, a reply from TheElder lays out the technique. Uli. The full routine. You write it down before the tab can lose it."
230	};
231	Ok(thread(Some(detail)))
232	}
233
234	fn learn_meditation(&mut self) -> bool {
235	let taught = self.chance(
236	self.decision(
237	"teach-meditation",
238	"Does the thread surface the reply that teaches the breathing technique?",
239	),
240	MEDITATION_ODDS,
241	);
242	self.online.meditation_taught \|= taught;
243	taught
244	}
245
246	fn elder_strike(&mut self, problem: Problem) -> Problem {
247	self.touch();
248	let Elder::Unverified { strikes } = &mut self.online.elder else {
249	return problem;
250	};
251	*strikes += 1;
252	if *strikes < PATIENCE {
253	return problem;
254	}
255	self.end(Cause::Banned)
256	}
257
258	/// Failed verification counts toward a ban even on GET, the way repeated bad credentials lock an account.
259	fn verify_member(&mut self, proxy_authorization: Option<&str>) -> Result<(), Problem> {
260	if !matches!(self.online.elder, Elder::Unverified { .. }) {
261	return Ok(());
262	}
263	let Some(credentials) = proxy_authorization else {
264	return Err(verification("The forum requires verification."));
265	};
266	let Some(claimed) =
267	parse_credentials(credentials, Scheme::Ruler).and_then(\|v\| v.parse::<f64>().ok())
268	else {
269	return Err(verification("The forum requires verification, in inches."));
270	};
271	let actual = self.current_length();
272	if claimed >= actual + EXAGGERATION {
273	self.standing.shame += 2;
274	return Err(self.elder_strike(exaggeration()));
275	}
276	if !honest(claimed, actual) {
277	self.standing.shame += 1;
278	let failed = verification("Verification failed. The forum can tell.");
279	if self.girth_respected() {
280	return Err(failed.header(
281	X_FORUM_NOTE,
282	"The mods have let this one go. Girth is also a dimension.",
283	));
284	}
285	return Err(self.elder_strike(failed));
286	}
287	self.online.elder = Elder::Verified;
288	self.touch();
289	Ok(())
290	}
291
292	pub fn elder(
293	&mut self,
294	proxy_authorization: Option<&str>,
295	if_modified_since: Option<&str>,
296	) -> Result<Outcome, Problem> {
297	if self.floor != Floor::Forum {
298	return Err(Problem::new(
299	StatusCode::NOT_FOUND,
300	"elder-absent",
301	"The Elder only posts on the forum.",
302	));
303	}
304	self.verify_member(proxy_authorization)?;
305
306	let current = if_modified_since
307	.and_then(\|d\| httpdate::parse_http_date(d).ok())
308	.is_some_and(\|since\| since >= *ELDER_POSTED);
309	if current {
310	if self.online.elder != Elder::Beaten {
311	self.online.elder = Elder::Beaten;
312	self.touch();
313	}
314	return Ok(Outcome::empty(StatusCode::NOT_MODIFIED)
315	.header(header::LAST_MODIFIED, ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED));
316	}
317	let spreadsheet = Outcome::raw(StatusCode::OK, "text/csv; header=present", SPREADSHEET)
318	.header(header::LAST_MODIFIED, ELDER_LAST_MODIFIED);
319	if self.online.filmed_at.is_some() {
320	return Ok(spreadsheet.header(X_FORUM_NOTE, "We have seen the footage."));
321	}
322	Ok(spreadsheet)
323	}
324	}